by Natalie Dekel.

I woke up tonight feeling exhilaratingly happy. I am trying to understand why do I feel so, as nothing so far made me very happy for a long time. I am looking around the room and that is where I suddenly realise that two things are not as they should be. One is that the room is lit with soft white glow which has no physical source and should not be happening in the middle of the night. Second, I have realised that I am floating in the air just under the ceiling looking down.

I feel so free and light, it is amazing, so much fun! I did a circle around the room looking at all the things from different perspectives. Then a strange thought hit me: if I am here up in the air, floating around, then who is the body just below me on the bed?! It looks just as I usually see myself when looking in the mirror, but it cannot be me, surely, as I am up here!

Pondering this question I thought to myself: if it is me then surely I could just think about moving my head sideways and it would… even before I finished my thought, my head, down there on the bed, turns sideways exactly as I thought it to do! Suddenly it is not fun anymore. A deep fear steals through my heart making me go cold all over. The fear of never being able to return to that body is so strong that I lose my lightedness and plummet down back into my body.

It might have been barely two meters height but it felt as if I was falling millennia in a dark dark tunnel. I bump into my body with a tremendous crash that leaves the muscles in my stomach hurt, just as one does when one jumps into a water pool but hits their stomach on the water. Ouch! As I take time to catch my breath and reorient myself back to where I am, I realise that I just lost a profound opportunity to be free.

But at the same time the joy of remembering what it is like to truly be me – that light happy fun being – makes me smile all day long and endure whatever comes next.

20 Jan 2013. Uploaded 6 March 2013.
© Natalie Dekel.